


The Bird Came Back

by GokuGirl



Series: The Vegeta Humiliation Chronicles [16]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Humor, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-07-25
Updated: 2001-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-10 09:14:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4386209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 7 of the Miscellaneous Arc. Bulma buys Bra a pet parrot and Vegeta does his best to get rid of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bird Came Back

**Author's Note:**

> **Bra's Age:** 7  
>  **Author's Note:** Song lyrics are italicized. Full credits at the end.

**The Bird Came Back  
(Or Vegeta Loses His Mind)**

"Isn't he cute?" Bra asked as she cooed at her brand new Amazon parrot. He was mostly red with yellow and blue on the edges of his wings and tail. "I named him Toichi."

Pan nodded. "Toichi wa kawaii." The bird repeated her words much to the five-year-old's delight.

"Kaasan took me to the pet store yesterday and let me pick him out all by myself. Papa doesn't like him. He says that he's too loud and he talks too much."

"He *is* loud and he *does* talk too much." Vegeta pushed himself away from the doorframe he had been leaning against. "Anything that runs its mouth more often than your mother doesn't deserve to be in this house."

Bra put her hand up to his mouth and stage whispered to her friend, who giggled. "Papa just says that because Toichi doesn't like him."

He frowned. "I don't give a hairy rat's ass if that damn bird likes me or not. It's annoying and should be killed immediately."

"Don't even *think* about it, mister," Bulma called from the hall. "I paid too much money for that parrot."

At dinner that evening, Bra let Toichi out of his cage to "stretch his legs". He flew around the dining room as they ate, spouting various advertisement slogans as he went. Toichi's favorites seemed to be: "They're grrrreat!" and "Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!"

After ten minutes of this, the parrot landed on Vegeta's head and settled down into his hair as if it was a nest. Trunks jumped up, with the intent on finding a camera so that he could get a picture, and Vegeta pointed one glowing index finger at his body.

"You take a picture and I'll guarantee you an all-expenses-paid trip to the emergency room."

Trunks sat back down with a disappointed frown on his face. "But it would be so great to show your grandchildren a picture like that years from now."

"I don't care how great it would be. You're still not doing it."

Everyone went back to eating until Vegeta threw his chopsticks down onto his plate and yanked Toichi from his head, pulling out small tufts of hair in the process.

"What's wrong, Vegeta?" Bulma asked with concern. "Did he scratch you?"

The short Saiya-jin stood with a look of disgust on his face. "I think the damn thing just shit on my head!"

There was stunned silence for a moment until a snicker emerged from Trunks. He slapped his hands over his mouth in an attempt to smother his laughter and, as a result, his face turned red. When Bulma and Bra burst out into laughter, he gave up and joined them.

"This is a vile, evil bird," Vegeta growled while glaring at the offender. He pushed his chair away from the table and went upstairs to take a shower.

"Toichi didn't mean it, Papa!" Bra called after him. "He's very sorry about it!"

Trunks shook his head and went back to eating. "No one would ever believe that papa was defeated by a parrot."

***

**Day One**

Something had to be done about the parrot and he was the right person for the job. Toichi was a menace to society, a flying helper of Satan. Vegeta would teach him not to mess with the Saiya-jin no Ouji.

 _Prince Vegeta of the Saiya-jin had troubles of his own,_  
His daughter had a bird that wouldn't leave him alone.  
He tried and he tried to give the bird away,  
He gave it to a man goin' far, far away.

"Hey, you!" Vegeta shouted to a man at the airport. "You're going to France?"

The man nodded. "Yes. I've taken a job there."

Vegeta thrust a large cardboard box in his direction. "Take it. Don't ask questions; just take it."

Of course he just couldn't accept the box without peeking inside, it could have been a bomb or something else equally unpleasant after all. The traveler gasped as he spotted the colorful bird within and smiled. "I've always wanted a parrot. What's its name?"

"Toichi. So, are you going to take him?"

A nod. "Yes."

"Good," Vegeta smiled triumphantly. "Very good."

***

**Day Two**

_But the bird came back the very next day,_  
The bird came back, he thought it was a goner,  
But the bird came back; it just wouldn't stay away.

"GODDAMN IT!" Vegeta cursed as he saw Toichi perched upon Bra's shoulder at breakfast that morning. The bird crowed and the Saiya-jin swore he was laughing at him.

"He came back, Kaasan!" Bra said happily. "I thought Toichi was gone forever."

The orange he'd been peeling exploded in a splatter of juice and pulp. The remains of the fruit were clenched tightly in his hand as Vegeta's anger got the best of him. There had to be another way to rid himself of the parrot. There just had to be.

 _He gave it to a boy with a hundred zenni bill,_  
Told him to take it up to his grandfather's hill.  
A storm kicked up; blew the little house away.  
Neither boy nor man were seen again that day.

***

**Day Three**

_But the bird came back the very next day,_  
The bird came back, he thought it was a goner,  
But the bird came back; it just wouldn't stay away.

Goku and Goten stayed over for lunch after sparring with Vegeta and Trunks in the gravity chamber all morning. Toichi was a never-ending source of entertainment for the two, especially after Vegeta entered the room.

"Ooooh, Vegeta," Toichi said in a throaty voice. "Give it to me, baby."

Trunks' hand froze halfway to his mouth and the spoon fell down into the bowl below with a clatter. "Did that bird just say what I think it said?"

"I didn't hear anything," Vegeta said casually as he finished pouring a glass of milk. "You must have been imagining things."

Goku shook his head. "Iie, I heard it too, Vegeta."

"I'm telling you that there was nothing to hear!"

Toichi chose that moment to say something else. He lowered his voice in a fairly accurate imitation of Vegeta. "Stop screaming, onna, or you'll wake Bra." The parrot's voice went up to a higher pitch. "Oh Kami! Oh, Kami, yes!"

"Was he in your room last night, Papa?" Trunks asked very quietly, his eyes wide.

Vegeta imagined the parrot exploding into billions of tiny pieces. "Must have been. There's no other explanation for it."

Goten pushed away his half-eaten meal and Goku eagerly finished it off. "I definitely didn't need to hear that."

"That was nothing," Trunks snorted. "I've lived in this house for nineteen years. You should hear 'em after papa's beaten your father at something. They go at it at least three times, then."

Even Goku lost his usually voracious appetite. "Too much information."

 _He gave it to a woman at the Satan City zoo,_  
That brought her talking birds to a total of two.  
A lion got loose, ate everything in sight;  
The king of the jungle ate good that night.

***

**Day Four**

_But the bird came back the very next day,_  
The bird came back, he thought it was a goner,  
But the bird came back; it just wouldn't stay away.

Vegeta was at his wit's end. There just didn't seem to be a way to get rid of the parrot for good. It was as if it were immortal.

Ever since he returned from the lion's den, Toichi had been bombing him every time he spotted the prince's head exposed. So far, Vegeta had taken seven showers. It was as if the parrot had a personal vendetta against him.

"I've never believed in karma until I met that bird," Vegeta grumbled to Bulma after dinner. "Everything evil I've ever done in my life is coming back tenfold... beginning with that parrot driving me insane."

"Oh come on, Vegeta. Toichi's just having a little fun with you. He's not really harming anything, is he?" Bulma chuckled a little at the memory of Vegeta's first encounter with the parrot's bathroom habits. "Besides, if you take him away then Bra'll be sad. I know you don't want that."

"Of course I don't," he said smoothly. He waited until she left the room to add, "But this is for her own good."

 _The neighbor next door had a cat for a pet,_  
Quite the little terror, he was a bird's worst threat.  
He had a pile of bones nearly two feet high,  
All from the birds who dared catch his eye.

***

**Day Five**

_But the bird came back the very next day,_  
The bird came back, he thought it was a goner,  
But the bird came back; it just wouldn't stay away.

"That's it," Vegeta muttered to himself. "That's it. I'm not going to try to get rid of him again." His hand glowed brightly. "I'm going to burn him to a cinder instead!"

Bra gasped in horror. "NO, PAPA!"

 _Prince Vegeta's hand became infused with ki,_  
He powered up much to gain more energy.  
With a terrible shout, he targeted the bird,  
A shrill scream from Bra was the last thing he heard.

***

**Day Six**

_Yes, the bird came back the very next day._  
The bird came back, they thought it was a goner,  
But the bird came back; it just wouldn't stay away.

**~OWARI~**

**Author's Note:**

> Song based from "The Cat Came Back" by Harry S. Miller.
> 
>   
>  _(No parrots were harmed in the making of this fanfic and Vegeta was fine. Once he came to, that is.)_   
> 


End file.
